so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize