Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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