Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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