I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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