I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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