The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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