Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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