My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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