Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
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