I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
