I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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