Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
