have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
