I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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