matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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