So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize