well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
