Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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