I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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