I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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