Betty ford says i'm here all night
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
