I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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