Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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