Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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