I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
