"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
