I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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