He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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