i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
