How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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