Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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