You surviving the open bar?
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His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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