Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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