Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
