after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
