how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
40s are totally the cure
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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