someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize