We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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