She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
