Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
