The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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