C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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