how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
