You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
