i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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