i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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