I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
