I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
