Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
