My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize