i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
