I just pynch a tree in the face
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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