Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
