I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
