Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
