Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just puked most of my soul out..
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