i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
