I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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