you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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